One way we become ensnarled in conflict is by withholding love until our partners meet some requirement or promise of future improvement. Of course, this doesn’t work, and locks the relationship into a stand-off, with each partner waiting for a sign from the other to put down the weapons and love freely again. This process is designed to address directly the underlying fears that create this deadlock.
Underlying Fear #1: That our partners do not accept us for who we are.
Underlying Fear #2: That our partners will never grow or change, and the ways we feel hurt in the relationship will go on forever.
Notice these fears in yourself, and use this process to relax them, so you feel safe to love unreservedly again. It is especially useful for the most painful repetitive patterns.
In this lesson, we begin Step 1 of our Perfect Vision conflict resolution process. A lot of the healing is in you. First, you will identify a very specific incident that represents the conflict you'd like to resolve permanently. If you happen to be in a relationship now, it's good to choose the same conflict so you can work on it together. It's important to pick a very specific moment in time when this conflict arose so there is no ambiguity with you or your partner about what this conflict is about. You each might have different perspectives on why the conflict is taking place but pick a specific moment where you are each references the same incident.
“The shadow is not a problem to be solved or an enemy to be conquered, but a fertile field to be cultivated. When we dig our hands into its rich soil, we will discover the potent seeds of the people we most desire to be."
- Debbie Ford
REFLECTION QUESTION | Answer the question(s) below
If you could "name" the conflict you decided to resolve, what might you call it?